อันนี้ดีเป็นตัวอย่างของ ESSAY IELTS ที่ได้ BAND 6.5 ค่ะ

Today the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertisement is one of important factors to increase high volumes of popular consumer products these days. Many people argue that the high number of sales products is either consumer’s real need or it depends on the power of advertising.

First of all, when new products are launched, many companies want to promote their products. Then they invest a high amount of budget on the advertising, such as hiring famous superstars or celebrities to be presenters or brand ambassadors. As result of many people decide to buy the products according to the famous stars using those goods.

However, there are many people who may buy some consumer products because its qualities. Although some companies do not spend too much money on the advertising, for instance, Selsun shampoo is a good anti-dandruff shampoo. It is well-known as a medical dandruff treatment but there is less advertise than others anti-dandruff shampoo brands, such as Head and shoulder and Clinic clear. Furthermore, the high sales of the Selsun shampoo does not reflect on the power of the advertising.

In contrast, many people may buy the products cause by over exaggerated advertising on the goods. For example, a whitening lotion advertising which shows a dark skin lady will have more complex and white skin after using the lotion within 7 days. This advertisement leads many women to believe and buy the whitening products. However, in fact, it would take time more than 7 days to get the white skin and for this reason, the consumers will buy more the products and it will increase high sales volume of the lotions.

From what has been discussed above we may draw the conclusion that the powerful of the advertising will lead people to buy more consumer products and many people want to try on the products regards to the advertisement is over exaggerated the product’s quality.

Corrected Version:

Advertisement is one of the important factors to increase high volumes of popular consumer products these days. Many people argue that the high number of sales products is either the consumer’s real need, or it depends on the power of advertising.

First of all, when new products are launched, many companies want to promote their products. Then they invest a high amount of their budget on the advertising, such as hiring famous superstars, or celebrities to be presenters or brand ambassadors. As a result, many people decide to buy the products as used by the famous stars.

However, there are many people who may buy some consumer products because of their qualities although some companies do not spend too much money on the advertising. For instance, Selsun shampoo is a good anti-dandruff shampoo. It is well-known as a medical dandruff treatment but there is less advertising than other anti-dandruff shampoo brands, such as Head and Shoulders and Clinic Clear. Furthermore, the high sales of the Selsun shampoo does not reflect on the power of the advertising.

In contrast, many people may buy products because of over exaggerated advertising about the goods. For example, a whitening lotion advert shows a dark skinned lady who will have more complex and white skin after using the lotion within 7 days. This advertisement leads many women to believe and buy the whitening products. However, in fact, it would take more than 7 days to get the white skin. For this reason, the consumers will buy more of the products and it will bring higher sales volumes of the lotions.

From what has been discussed above we may draw the conclusion that the power of advertising will lead people to buy more consumer products, and many people will want to try out the products as the advertisement has exaggerated the product’s quality.

Comments: Estimated Band 6.5! A very good effort! Well structured and supported. Without some basic grammatical errors, the result would be much better.

โครงสร้างและ เนื้อหาเขียนได้ถูกต้อง ชัดเจนดีมากค่ะ การเขียน Topic sentences ในแต่ละย่อหน้า ประสบความสำเร็จ ทำให้ผู้อ่านเข้าใจได้ทันที ว่าในย่อหน้านั้นๆ ผู้เขียนต้องการสื่อถึงกระเด็นไหน นอกจากนี้ การใช้ cohesive devices ก็ดีมากเช่นกัน รู้จักเลือกใช้คำเชื่อมที่หลากหลาย ทั้งในแต่ละย่อหน้า และระหว่างย่อหน้า จึงทำให้ผู้อ่านติดตามประเด็นได้ง่าย อย่างไรก็ตาม ยังมีความผิดพลาดเล็กๆ น้อยๆ หลายจุด เช่น

- การเลือกใช้ because หรือ because of (because + ประโยค แต่ because of + นาม)

- การใช้คำสันธาน although ต้องเชื่อม two clauses เสมอ (ถ้าวางอยู่ตรงกลางระหว่าง two clauses ไม่จำเป็นต้องใส่เครื่องหมาย , คั่น แต่ถ้าอยู่หน้าประโยค ก็จำเป็นแน่นอนค่ะ)

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6 ตอบกลับไปที่ อันนี้ดีเป็นตัวอย่างของ ESSAY IELTS ที่ได้ BAND 6.5 ค่ะ

  1. Ajarnfon พูดว่า:

    Sorry for my late feedback na ka. There have been so many spams in the inbox.
    What you understand is correct. The mistake in this sample essay is that there was only one clause in the sentence with “although”.
    Good luck with your test na ka.