เดือนที่ผ่านมา ได้รับข่าวดี เรื่องผลสอบของนร.หลายคน ที่ได้คะแนน 7-7.5 รู้สึกปลื้มจริงๆ ค่ะ วันนี้ ก็เลยนำเอาตัวอย่าง essay ของนร.ที่สอบได้ Band 7.0 มาฝาก ว่าเค้าเขียนกันประมาณไหน ถึงได้คะแนนสูงแบบนี้

ออ essay เรื่องนี้ เป็นประเภท Agree/Disagree นะคะ โดยผู้เขียนเลือกที่จะ Agree นั่นเองค่า

Most criminals are set free once they finish their jail terms. Is the re-introduction of criminals in societies justified?

Essay:

At least once in a lifetime, people make mistakes and thus deserve different kinds of punishments depending on the level of severity of misdeeds. Many people find it unacceptable to socialise with ex-criminals even if they are reformed after rehabilitation or a sentence. Despite some negative attitudes towards the re-introduction of criminals in societies, setting them free after a punishment is, from my point of view, justified.

A person who has committed a crime may not be given trust, and also socially banned regardless of how nice they are so far. For instance, once a company finds applicants who have been sentenced to imprison, the firm may suddenly turn against them even though they are educationally qualified or full of experiences. This may indirectly thrust them to turn their back to societies and repeat the same or even more severe crimes, and finally are re-sentenced. This vicious cycle might never end.

However, the world could be made a better place if societies threw away their prejudice, and gave a chance to those reformed prisoners. Whether their mistakes were made on purpose or not, those ex-criminals can realise how appalling imprisonment is, and are less likely to get themselves repeatedly involved with any crimes. This can also convince them to prove themselves as better persons contributing more to societies. As for a workforce, they may yield optimum results and be beneficial to companies hiring them. Furthermore, their stories about the consequences of against-the-law actions can be great examples discouraging others from committing a crime.

All in all, I strongly believe that criminals deserve both punishments and chances to reform, and that we should live with present, and learn from mistakes. Turning them down just because of their past misdeeds is similar to reducing the number of decent persons in our societies and the world.

ภายใต้สถานการณ์บ้านเมืองที่ยังน่าหวั่นวิตกเป็นอย่างมาก ณ ขณะนี้นั้น  ครูคงไม่ขอแสดงความคิดเห็นอะไรเกี่ยวกับการเมือง แต่จะขอพูดถึงคำศัพท์สำนานต่างๆ ที่เกี่ยวข้องกับข่าวการเมืองในช่วงนี้ เข้าใจว่า หลายๆ คน นอกจากอ่านข่าวภาษาไทย แล้วก็ได้พยายามอ่านของสื่อต่างชาติด้วย แต่อาจจะติดศัพท์บางคำ ที่ไม่ได้ใช้ในชีวิตประจำวันทั่วไป ใช่ไหมคะ ดูกันไปทีละคำ พร้อมประโยคตัวอย่างนะ

1. rift (noun) = 1.  an opening made by splitting, cleaving, etc.  รอยแตก, รอยแยก 2. a difference in opinion, belief, or interest that causes such a break in friendly relations การแตกแยก, การแตกร้าว

Syn. 1. breach, rupture 2. disagreement, clash

A rift between Bangkok’s economic elite and the growing clout of Thailand’s rural poor is feeding a unique divide in a country that is no stranger to political turmoil.

2. dissolve (verb) = 1. to order the termination of (a parliament or other legislative body) ยุบ (สภา) 2. to make a solution of, as by mixing with a liquid; pass into solution ละลาย

Syn. 1. terminate, dismatle 2. mix in, diffuse

Protesters softened their demand for an immediate change in Thailand’s government, saying they are willing to give the prime minister 30 days to dissolve Parliament and call new elections, after bloody attacks struck Bangkok’s central business district.

3. turmoil (noun) = state of great commotion, confusion, or disturbance  ความยุ่งยาก,ความยุ่งเหยิง,ความสับสนอลหม่าน,ความโกลาหล

Syn. tumult, agitation, unrest, disorder

Thailand’s current political turmoil will reduce the gross domestic product (GDP) growth by 2-3 per cent if it continues escalating, according to a top banker.

4. seal off (phrasal verb): To close tightly or surround with a barricade or cordon  ปิดล้อม ล้อมกรอบ

Syn. circumscribe, enclose, block off

Events took a deadly turn last week when the government moved to seal off the area and a renegade general who backed the protests was shot dead.

5. take into custody (idiom) =  capture or arrest จับกุม

Syn. put under arrest

After hours of intense street battles, seven anti-government protest leaders were taken into custody.

6. turn oneself in (phrasal verb) =  capture or arrest มอบตัว

Syn. surrender oneself, give oneself up

Three more leaders turned themselves in Thursday.

7. set on fire (idiom) = to cause to burn ทำให้ไฟไหม้

Syn. ignite, set ablaze, set aflame

Central World has been set on fire in what is being reported as a deliberate act of arson by anti-government protesters.

8. prosecute (verb.) = 1. to institute legal proceedings against (a person) ฟ้องร้อง,ดำเนินคดี 2. to follow up or carry forward something undertaken or begun, usually to its completion  ปฏิบัติ,ดำเนินถึงที่สุด

Syn. 1. bring suit, bring to trial 2. follow through, execute

The spokesman said the government would quickly move to prosecute the Red Shirt protesters that were arrested during the riots.

9. guerilla (noun) = a member of an irregular armed force that fights a stronger force by sabotage and harassment กองโจร

Syn. insurgent

“There is a theory saying a military crackdown can spread resentment and these resentful people will become guerrillas,” Thaksin told Reuters in a telephone interview, declining to say where he was.

10. guerrilla warfare (noun) = irregular warfare (conflicts in which a small group of combatants uses military tactics, like ambushes and raids, to harass a larger and less-mobile traditional army) สงครามกองโจร

Exiled former Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra said Wednesday he fears a crackdown on anti-government protesters could lead to guerrilla warfare across the country.

11. half-truth (noun) = a partially true statement intended to deceive evade blame, or the like. ความจริงครึ่งเดียว

Syn.  partial truth

Some Thais accused the international media of reporting only “one-sided, shallow and sensational half-truths“.

12. reconciliation (noun) = the process of making consistent or compatible  การประนีประนอม,การไกล่เกลี่ย

Syn. agreement, mutual understanding, harmony

National reconciliation is now not simply an option, it is absolutely mandatory.

ศัพท์ พร้อมคำอธิบายและตัวอย่างประโยคเหล่านี้ น่าจะช่วยให้อ่านข่าวได้เข้าใจง่ายขึ้นนะคะ อย่าลืมนะจ๊ะ ว่าเวลาท่องคำศัพท์นั้น อย่าดูแต่เรื่องของความหมาย แต่ต้องพยายามทำความเข้าใจหน้าที่ของคำ และวิธีนำมาสร้างประโยคด้วยนะคะ

อาจารย์ช่วยตรวจ essay ให้ผมหน่อยครับว่าผมผิดตรงไหนแล้วช่วยประเมินคะแนนให้ด้วยครับ ขอขอบคุณอาจารย์ล่วงหน้าครับ

In the past, I used to ask people that what do you choose between large amounts of money or comfortable living. Some people answer that I would like large amounts of money . Nevertheless, I would like to earn comfortable living because of two main reasons as follow.
First, If you earn a comfortable living, you will live happy life due to two mirror reasons follow as. First, you do not concern with earning large amounts of money. If you do not worry about making money , you will release tension while you are working in office . When you can relieve tension in working , you feel more happier than you concern with earning large amount of money . Second, you have enough time to do activities with your family and your friends so you feel happy . If you only work in office , you always undergoes tension but If you balance time between working in office and do activities , you will live happy life .
Second, If you select in order to earn a comfortable living, you would have a good health because of two mirror reasons as follow, First, When you would like to earn comfortable living, I spent enough time sleeping in the bedroom . If you spent 8-9 hours to relax in the bedroom , I would feel that you have high power in working or doing activities due to you ,therefore, have good heath .Second, If you would like to earn comfortable , I would spent time working out . Researcher discover that exercising able to relieve tension because of Pituitary gland pour adrenaline which make human feel more happier .
In short, I think that earning a comfortable living is better than earning large amounts of money because money is not important in life but thing is important in life is happiness . Money can buy a lot of thing but Money cannot buy your happiness .

ครูตรวจให้แล้วดังนี้นะคะ

In the past, I used to ask people what they would choose between large amounts of money and a comfortable life. Some people answered that they prefer large amounts of money. Nevertheless, I wish to have a comfortable life because of two main reasons as follows.

Firstly, a comfortable life means that we live a happy life. One of the two reasons is that we are not concerned with earning large amounts of money. If we do not worry about making money, we will be less stressed while working in the office. When tension at work is relieved, we will be happier than when we are concerned with earning large amounts of money. Secondly, we will have enough time to do activities with our family and our friends, so you will be happier. If we only work in the office, we will always undergo tension. In contrast, if we balance time between working in the office and doing other activities, we will live a happy life.
Secondly, if we select to live a comfortable life, we will have a good health. Firstly, when we wish to have a comfortable life, we will spend enough time sleeping in the bedroom. If we spend eight to nine hours to relax in the bedroom, we will have enough energy for working or doing activities. This is all because of our good health. Secondly, if we want to live a comfortable life, we will spend time working out. Researchers have discovered that exercising can relieve tension, because the pituitary gland pours adrenaline which makes human feel happier.
In short, I think that living a comfortable life is better than earning large amounts of money, because money is not important in life. What is actually important in life is happiness. Money can buy plenty of things, but it cannot buy us happiness.

Comments: Estimated Band 3.5!

ครูต้องขอชี้แจ้งตามตรงเลยนะคะ ว่าพื้นฐานทางด้านไวยากรณ์และการเขียน essay ของคุณตั้ม ยังอ่อนอยู่มาก ทั้งนี้ อย่าเพิ่งท้อใจไปค่ะ เพราะนี่เป็นเรื่องธรรมดา สำหรับใครก็ตาม ที่ไม่ได้ใช้ภาษาอังกฤษเป็นประจำ และยังไม่ได้เริ่มเตรียมตัวสำหรับการสอบ ครูจะบอกนักเรียนเสมอว่า ถ้าอยากจะเขียน essay ภาษาอังกฤษให้ได้ดี ก่อนอื่นให้ลองหันกลับมามองว่า ตัวเองสามารถเขียนเรียงความภาษาไทยได้รู้เรื่องไหม นี่คือด่านแรกเลยล่ะค่ะ จาก essay ชิ้นนี้ ต่อให้แก้ไขไวยากรณ์จนถูกหมด คะแนนที่จะได้อย่างมาก ก็ประมาณ 4.5 เท่านั้น เพราะการเขียน theme sentence, topic sentence ไม่ประสบความสำเร็จ การพัฒนาเนื้อหา ก็ไม่ต่อเนื่อง ลื่นไหล เหมือนเขียนวนไปเวียนมาซะมากกว่า และยังใช้คำศัพท์เดิมๆ ซ้ำไปซ้ำมา สับสนกับการใช้สรรพนามในจุดต่างๆ อย่าโกรธว่าครูวิจารณ์อย่างจริงใจเลยนะคะ แต่ครูเป็นห่วงจริงๆ ค่ะ ว่าถ้ายังไม่รีบเตรียมตัวอย่างจริงจังแล้ว จะเปลืองค่าสอบไปเปล่าๆ ค่ะ อย่างไรก็ตาม อย่าท้อนะคะ ลูกศิษย์ครูบางคน ตอนเริ่มต้นปัดฝุ่นภาษาอังกฤษ ก็เขียนได้ประมาณนี้ล่ะค่ะ แต่หลังจากความพยายามอย่างต่อเนื่อง (ร่วมครึ่งปี) ตอนนี้ ก็สอบได้ 6 แล้วค่ะ สู้ๆ นะคะ ครูเอาใจช่วย

Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

Give reasons for your answer.

There are many definitions of happiness for joyful life. It often defined happiness in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion.  

In general, basic of well-being characterised by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. It is much appreciable variability such as socioeconomic status, marital status, health, income, benefits, social networks and others. In fact, it depends on our attitude that makes us feel happy or unhappy because we meet all kinds of situations during the day, and some of them may not released. If we let outer events influence our moods, we become their slaves. We lose our freedom. We let our happiness be determined by outer forces. On the other hand, we can free ourselves from outer influences.

Moreover, happiness is a feeling of inner peace and satisfaction. It is usually experienced when there are no worries, fears or obsessing thoughts, and this usually happens, when we do something we love to do or when we get, win, gain or achieve something that we value. It seems to be the outcome of positive events, but it actually comes from the inside, triggered by outer events.

There are many ways for increasing your happiness. First of all, you should be change the way you look at things. Look at the good and positive side of every situation. For example, you should think of solutions, so it’s not problems, and be happy for people’s happiness. The second, you should associate with happy people, and try to learn from them to be happy and remember that happiness is contagious. Last of all, the easiest way is always smiling or laughing sometimes.

Finally, in my opinion, success is not the key to happiness, but happiness is the key to success.

Corrected Version:

 There are many definitions of happiness for joyful life. Happiness is often defined in terms of living a good life, or flourishing, rather than simply as an emotion. 

In general, the basic of well-being is characterised by emotions, ranging from contentment to intense joy. There is huge variability, such as socioeconomic status, marital status, health, income, benefits, social networks and others. In fact, it depends on our attitude  as to what makes us feel happy, or unhappy, because we meet all kinds of situations during the day, and some of them may not be released. If we let outer events influence our moods, we become their slaves. We lose our freedom. We let our happiness be determined by outer forces. On the other hand, we can free ourselves from outer influences.

Moreover, happiness is a feeling of inner peace and satisfaction. It is usually experienced when there are no worries, fears or obsessing thoughts. This usually happens, when we do something we love to do, or when we get, win, gain, or achieve something that we value. It seems to be the outcome of positive events, but it actually comes from the inside, triggered by outer events.

There are many ways for increasing your happiness. First of all, you should change the way you look at things. Look at the good and positive side of every situation. For example, you should think of solutions, so it is not a problem, and be happy for people’s happiness. Secondly, you should associate with happy people, and try to learn from them to be happy and remember that happiness is contagious. Last of all, the easiest way is always smiling, or laughing sometimes.

Finally, in my opinion, success is not the key to happiness, but happiness is the key to success.

Comments: Estimated Band 7! Good work! Well structured and supported. However, there are still some basic grammatical errors, for example, subject-verb agreement and the use of punctuation. Otherwise, the result would be much better.

หัวข้อนี้ ไม่ง่ายเลย เพราะเป็นเรื่องนามธรรมมากๆ แต่นักเรียนสามารถเขียนโครงสร้างและ เนื้อหาได้ดีทีเดียวค่ะ การ develop เนื้อหาที่ดี ทำให้สื่อความหมายออกมาได้ชัดเจน การแบ่งเนื้อหาเป็นย่อหน้า รวมทั้งการเขียน Topic sentences ก็ประสบความสำเร็จ ทำให้ผู้อ่านเข้าใจได้ทันที ว่าในย่อหน้านั้นๆ ผู้เขียนต้องการสื่อถึงประเด็นไหน น่าเสียดายที่ยังมีข้อผิดพลาดพื้นฐานด้านไวยากรณ์อยู่ ไม่อย่างนั้น ต้องได้คะแนนมากกว่านี้อีกแน่นอนค่ะ

In some countries the average worker is obliged to retire at the age of 50, while in others people can work until they are 65 or 70. Until what age do you think people should be encouraged to remain in paid employment?

Give reasons for your answer.

When people should retire from their works is still a debatable issue nowadays. It is not easy to find the right age to force them to leave their jobs, since we have to consider all factors, such as personal demand, necessity and their family. Some people might want to work until 65 or 70, while others might not want to. Personally, I think 60 years old is the appropriate age for retiring for many reasons.

First of all, the most important reason is that they deserve to relax after their hard work for many years. It is obvious that people in present day start working at the age of 20 after graduating, and they still work until they are 60 or over. For 40 years they have been working hard, so I think it is time for them to stop and take some rest. 40 years is more than a half of a life time. I think that if we spend a half of our life working, we should spend another half relaxing, doing something they love and spending time with the family or the one we love.

Another reason is that young people will not be able to find a job. If the old do not retire and keep on working, there will be no position available. The rate of unemployment may increase and affect the economic system. Therefore, I think the old should be forced to retire at the age of 60, so that the young could replace them in that position.

Lastly, it is now a world of technology. New facilities are released almost every day. This could be a problem if the old do not know how to use or cannot use some of the high technology equipments. Especially, if they work in a company that uses this high technology, they might work slower and could not finish their jobs on time.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that people should be retired at the age of 60. Because they have worked hard for many years, it is time for them to rest and enjoy doing something that they did not have a chance to do while working.

Corrected Version:

When people should retire from their work is still a debatable issue nowadays. It is not easy to find the right age to force them to leave their jobs, since we have to consider all factors, such as personal demand, necessity and their family. Some people might want to work until 65 or 70, while others might not want to. Personally, I think 60 years old is the appropriate age for retiring for many reasons.

First of all, the most important reason is that they deserve to relax after their hard work for many years. It is obvious that people in the present day start working at the age of 20, after graduating, and they still work until they are 60, or over. For 40 years they have been working hard, so I think it is time for them to stop and take some rest. Forty years is more than a half of a life time. I think that if we spend half of our life working, we should spend another half relaxing, doing something we love and spending time with the family, or the one we love.

Another reason is that young people will not be able to find a job. If the old do not retire and keep on working, there will be no position available. The rate of unemployment may increase and affect the economic system. Therefore, I think the old should be forced to retire at the age of 60, so that the young could replace them in that position.

Lastly, it is now a world of technology. New facilities are released almost every day. This could be a problem if the old do not know how to use, or cannot use some of the high technology equipments. Especially, if they work in a company that uses this high technology, they might work slower and could not finish their jobs on time.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that people should be retired at the age of 60. Because they have worked hard for many years, it is time for them to rest and enjoy doing something that they did not have a chance to do while working.

Comments: Estimated Band 7.5! Well over the pass mark! Well structured and sufficiently supported. With greater variety in vocabulary, the band score would be higher.

โครงสร้าง เนื้อหาและไวยากรณ์เขียนได้ดีมากเลยค่ะ การให้เหตุผลสนับสนุนแต่ละประเด็นก็ดี ถ้าสามารถใช้คำศัพท์ได้หลากหลาย หรือมีระดับความยากมากกว่านี้อีกสักหน่อย ก็น่าจะไปถึง band 8 ได้เลยล่ะ

Today the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Advertisement is one of important factors to increase high volumes of popular consumer products these days. Many people argue that the high number of sales products is either consumer’s real need or it depends on the power of advertising.

First of all, when new products are launched, many companies want to promote their products. Then they invest a high amount of budget on the advertising, such as hiring famous superstars or celebrities to be presenters or brand ambassadors. As result of many people decide to buy the products according to the famous stars using those goods.

However, there are many people who may buy some consumer products because its qualities. Although some companies do not spend too much money on the advertising, for instance, Selsun shampoo is a good anti-dandruff shampoo. It is well-known as a medical dandruff treatment but there is less advertise than others anti-dandruff shampoo brands, such as Head and shoulder and Clinic clear. Furthermore, the high sales of the Selsun shampoo does not reflect on the power of the advertising.

In contrast, many people may buy the products cause by over exaggerated advertising on the goods. For example, a whitening lotion advertising which shows a dark skin lady will have more complex and white skin after using the lotion within 7 days. This advertisement leads many women to believe and buy the whitening products. However, in fact, it would take time more than 7 days to get the white skin and for this reason, the consumers will buy more the products and it will increase high sales volume of the lotions.

From what has been discussed above we may draw the conclusion that the powerful of the advertising will lead people to buy more consumer products and many people want to try on the products regards to the advertisement is over exaggerated the product’s quality.

Corrected Version:

Advertisement is one of the important factors to increase high volumes of popular consumer products these days. Many people argue that the high number of sales products is either the consumer’s real need, or it depends on the power of advertising.

First of all, when new products are launched, many companies want to promote their products. Then they invest a high amount of their budget on the advertising, such as hiring famous superstars, or celebrities to be presenters or brand ambassadors. As a result, many people decide to buy the products as used by the famous stars.

However, there are many people who may buy some consumer products because of their qualities although some companies do not spend too much money on the advertising. For instance, Selsun shampoo is a good anti-dandruff shampoo. It is well-known as a medical dandruff treatment but there is less advertising than other anti-dandruff shampoo brands, such as Head and Shoulders and Clinic Clear. Furthermore, the high sales of the Selsun shampoo does not reflect on the power of the advertising.

In contrast, many people may buy products because of over exaggerated advertising about the goods. For example, a whitening lotion advert shows a dark skinned lady who will have more complex and white skin after using the lotion within 7 days. This advertisement leads many women to believe and buy the whitening products. However, in fact, it would take more than 7 days to get the white skin. For this reason, the consumers will buy more of the products and it will bring higher sales volumes of the lotions.

From what has been discussed above we may draw the conclusion that the power of advertising will lead people to buy more consumer products, and many people will want to try out the products as the advertisement has exaggerated the product’s quality.

Comments: Estimated Band 6.5! A very good effort! Well structured and supported. Without some basic grammatical errors, the result would be much better.

โครงสร้างและ เนื้อหาเขียนได้ถูกต้อง ชัดเจนดีมากค่ะ การเขียน Topic sentences ในแต่ละย่อหน้า ประสบความสำเร็จ ทำให้ผู้อ่านเข้าใจได้ทันที ว่าในย่อหน้านั้นๆ ผู้เขียนต้องการสื่อถึงกระเด็นไหน นอกจากนี้ การใช้ cohesive devices ก็ดีมากเช่นกัน รู้จักเลือกใช้คำเชื่อมที่หลากหลาย ทั้งในแต่ละย่อหน้า และระหว่างย่อหน้า จึงทำให้ผู้อ่านติดตามประเด็นได้ง่าย อย่างไรก็ตาม ยังมีความผิดพลาดเล็กๆ น้อยๆ หลายจุด เช่น

- การเลือกใช้ because หรือ because of (because + ประโยค แต่ because of + นาม)

- การใช้คำสันธาน although ต้องเชื่อม two clauses เสมอ (ถ้าวางอยู่ตรงกลางระหว่าง two clauses ไม่จำเป็นต้องใส่เครื่องหมาย , คั่น แต่ถ้าอยู่หน้าประโยค ก็จำเป็นแน่นอนค่ะ)

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

How far you agree or disagree with the above views? Give your opinion in no less than 250 words.

Some people think that visitors should follow by traditional culture and the other think that the host country should welcome tourists with the different culture. There are many different reasons to support this argument.

To begin with, some country has many rules for protecting their country such as people cannot litter or spit in Singapore. If tourists break the rules, they have to pay the fine. They set these rules for protecting their environment. They may be afraid tourists will destroy it. Before travelling in the other country, you should find information to follow their rules. It means you respect for country. However, some visitors do not like many rules because they want come to relax.

In the other hand, some people think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. When tourists go to other country, normally they go to shopping and sightseeing. Their trip is short. Therefore, the host country should accept their culture more than force them to follow by culture and this is a good opportunity to expand your culture to tourists such as learning language, spending local life.

In my opinion, when tourists travel in the other country, they should follow local custom and behavior as respect that country.

Corrected Version:

Some people think that visitors should follow traditional culture and others think that the host country should welcome tourists from different cultures. There are many different reasons to support this argument.

To begin with, some countries have many rules for protecting their country. For example, people cannot litter or spit in Singapore. If tourists break the rules, they have to pay the fine. They set these rules for protecting their environment. They may be afraid tourists will destroy it. Before travelling to another country, you should find information to follow their rules. It means you show respect for the country. However, some visitors do not like many rules, because they just want to relax.

On the other hand, some people think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. When tourists go to another country, normally they go there for shopping and sightseeing. Their trip is short. Therefore, the host country should accept their culture rather than force them to follow rules. This is a good opportunity to expand your culture to tourists such as learning language, and spending time enjoying local life.

In my opinion, when tourists travel to another country, they should follow local customs and behaviour and show respect for that country.

Comments: Estimated Band 5. A number of grammatical mistakes. Yet the weakest point which affects the band score the most is that this essay is under length. 250 words are required for Task II!

อันที่จริงงานนี้ เนื้อหาใช้ได้นะคะ ข้อผิดพลาดทางไวยากรณ์ไม่ถึงกับเยอะมาก แต่น่าเสียดายที่จำนวนคำ ไม่ถึงตามเกณฑ์ 250 คำ จึงทำให้คะแนนไม่สูง เพราะเมื่อจำนวนคำต่ำกว่า 250 เมื่อไร คะแนนมากสุดที่จะได้ คือ band 5 เท่านั้นเองค่ะ ถ้าเขียนจำนวนคำครบ และลดจุดผิดพลาดทางไวยากรณ์ได้สักครึ่งหนึ่ง ก็น่าจะได้ถึง band 6 ล่ะ

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In the modern world , sports are one of the most important factors which people cannot ignore. Many people are so interested in certain sports that they want to be professional sport players. One of the reasons of this is that the professional are highly paid, comparing with other careers. Although some people think that this is not fair, they ,in my opinion, deserve high salary because of their responsibilities, their risk ,and their working duration.

Players have to comply with several strict regimes. First of all, they have to keep practicing every day even on holidays ,such as Christmas or New year. Moreover , they are not free to live or visit somewhere to which they want , for they must go to specific training or competing places that their teams decide. Furthermore, since they have to be always fit, they are not allowed to eat anything they want like other people. For example, Robinho ,the popular brasilian football player, was charged with visiting his hometown during  a training period. This denoted how strict regimes were.

Apart from those responsibilities, professional players are more likely to be injured than other careers. As the strength of bodies is indispensable for sports, some players exert their power more than bodies’ limit. Therefore, they often  stop working for a while. In addition, some sports ,such as football , rugby ,or basketball, frequently bring about crash between players , making them injured more easily. For instance, Eduado Da Silva , the Arsenal’s football star, crashed with his opponent so forcefully that his leg broke. He had been cured for a year before coming back to a field.

Most importantly , high payment is reasonable for the professional because their work duration is much shorter than other occupation’s. Since their bodies have limited time  to work, most players have an opportunity to play only 10-15 years ,which means they may not have jobs in the rest of their lives. Thus, if we compare all salary in their lives with others , it is approximately equal. Unfortunately, if some players are seriously injured , they have to quit their jobs before other players. According to the statistics , only a tenth of professional players can continue working in related jobs ,such as coachs or managers . In other words, they tend to be unemployed after playing to some extent.

In conclusion, professional sport players deserve high payment because they have to conform to many strict regimes , they can be injured more easily than other careers, and they frequently have a chance to work no more than 20 years. In my viewpoint, high salary is very important to sport development. Due to high payment, more and more people will practice and develop new sport skills, hoping to be parts of these people.

Corrected Version:

In the modern world, sports are one of the most important factors which people cannot ignore. Many people are so interested in certain sports that they want to be professional sport players. One of the reasons for this is that the professional is highly paid, compared to other careers. Although some people think that this is not fair, they, in my opinion, deserve a high salary, because of their responsibilities, their risk, and their working duration.

Players have to comply with several strict regimes. First of all, they have to keep practising every day, even on holidays, such as Christmas or New Year. Moreover, they are not free to live, or visit anywhere they want, for they must go to specific training, or competing places that their teams decide. Furthermore, since they have to be always fit, they are not allowed to eat anything they want like other people. For example, Robinho, the popular Brazilian football player, was charged with visiting his hometown during a training period. This denoted how strict regimes were.

Apart from those responsibilities, professional players are more likely to be injured than people in other careers. As the strength of bodies is indispensable for sports, some players exert their power more than their bodies’ limit. Therefore, they often stop working for a while. In addition, some sports, such as football, rugby, or basketball, frequently bring about crashes between players, making them injured more easily. For instance, Eduado Da Silva, the Arsenal’s football star, crashed with his opponent so forcefully that his leg broke. He had been cured for a year, before coming back to the field.

Most importantly, high payment is reasonable for the professional, because their work duration is much shorter than other occupations. Since their bodies have limited time  to work, most players have an opportunity to play only 10-15 years ,which means they may not have jobs in the rest of their lives. Thus, if we compare the salary in their lives with others, it is approximately equal. Unfortunately, if some players are seriously injured, they have to quit their jobs before other players. According to the statistics, only a tenth of professional players can continue working in related jobs, such as coaches or managers. In other words, they tend to be unemployed after playing to some extent.

In conclusion, professional sport players deserve high payment because they have to conform to many strict regimes. They can be injured more easily than other careers, and they frequently have a chance to work no more than 20 years. In my viewpoint, high salary is very important to sport development. Due to high payment, more and more people will practise and develop new sporting skills, hoping to become sporting heroes.

Comments: Estimated Band 6.5! A good effort! Despite some missing punctuations, the sentence construction is very good and the examples are very effective. Yet the whole essay is rather too long.

โครงสร้างประโยค และไวยากรณ์ดีมากทีเดียวค่ะ จุดเด่นอยู่ที่การให้เหตุผลสนับสนุนแต่ละประเด็น โดยเฉพาะการยกตัวอย่าง แต่ควรพัฒนาเรื่องการใช้เครื่องหมายวรรคตอนสักหน่อย และที่สำคัญ งานเขียนนี้ค่อนข้างจะยาวเกินไป (เกินจาก 250 คำ ไปประมาณ 200 คำ) หากเป็นการสอบในสนามสอบจริงๆ เกรงว่าจะไม่มีเวลามานั่งเขียนยาวขนาดนี้ ดังนั้น การฝึกเขียนที่ถูกต้องควรจำกัดเวลาในการเขียนด้วย จึงจะสามารถวัดผลได้ใกล้เคียงกับความเป็นจริงนะคะ